How To "Get Along" With Your Teen

Ever heard a dad say, "My teenager looks funny, likes horrible music and acts goofy half the time. Yet he treats me as though I'm the one who's out of touch with reality! What do I do with this strange creature?"

That's not an easy question, but there is an answer. Research shows that an open/friendly parent-teen relationship is a major factor in protecting kids from harm. So the first answer to this dad's semi-rhetorical question is this: Stay in touch with your kid! Maintaining a good relationship with your mysterious and unpredictable teen should be your top priority.

Just how do you do that? The most powerful relationship builder is shared fun. Find any two people who regularly have fun together and you will find a good relationship. You may feel, however, that finding a common activity both you and your teen can enjoy can be harder than finding one for you and your spouse. But doing something together that you both enjoy is-to a relationship-like water and fertilizer to a plant. For those who can't imagine what to do with an adolescent son or daughter, at the end of this article we'll describe the activity that is usually the simplest and best bet.

 

 

When attempting to have fun with your youngster, several simple rules must be respected:

Keep things positive. When you're out horsing around together, you are not allowed to discuss anything difficult or controversial. In other words, the long list of all the things you want your child to change about himself or herself must be temporarily abandoned.
Imagine that you and your 15-year-old son are fishing. You are slowly floating down the river after having caught a few, enjoying the sun and the gentle rocking of the boat in the water. The fish remind you that you're hungry, so you mentally check your pockets for lunch money. There's enough-you're a good provider. Will your son be? Not if he keeps performing like he did on that last science test. You'll set him straight. So you blurt out, "I still can't believe you got a D on that biology exam." The fun is over.

One-on-one is better. Don't even think about taking the whole family along if you're going out with your adolescent for some fun. It's much easier to get along with someone when there are fewer people to complicate the situation. Also, parents of adolescents report frequently that one of their biggest problems is sibling rivalry, and you won't have any fun if you are constantly having to keep two kids off each other's back.

Many teenagers have a nasty habit of not wanting to go out with the family because it isn't cool to be seen like that by your friends. (I know of one 13-year-old girl who always sat in the back seat, and then hit the floor whenever she thought she saw someone she knew.) Don't be offended, this orientation is perfectly natural. Going out with only one parent, however, may be a little more tolerable for an adolescent.

 

 

Consistency counts. Doing something enjoyable together on a regular basis is a good way to give a relationship some positive stimulation. Often activities have to be planned in advance, which can provide other benefits. If two people know that they are going to do something pleasant together on the weekend, this knowledge will tend to produce a "backup effect." The idea will help them get along better Monday through Friday.

No martyrdom allowed. Avoid doing things that your teen likes and you hate. If you are not having a good time at a rock concert, for example, your teen will notice. The two of you may then argue or snipe at one another, and the whole experience may become worse than doing nothing at all. Although it isn't always easy, the two of you want to find something that you can both enjoy at the same time.

The sure thing? Is there anything an adolescent and his middle-aged parent can enjoy together? The closest to a sure thing is going to a movie and then getting something to eat afterward. It's not that difficult to find a movie you can both enjoy, and if you're not getting along too well to begin with, this idea also has the advantage that you don't have to talk to each other during the show.Afterward, while you're eating, you can at least discuss the movie.

What if your youngster refuses to do anything with you? Try not to act hurt or insulted. Remember that the kid's main job during adolescence is to get ready to leave home for good. Be patient, and don't take it personally. Try again some other time.

Good luck!