The Dad Difference: How To Encourage Autonomy

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Support your child's independent problem-solving ability. That means exploring how he sees the problem, what he feels about it, and what ideas he has for solving it. You can say things like "Do you want to talk about what happened?" "Have you tried doing anything about it?" "Any ideas of what you could do?" "Sounds like a good idea!" Help your child generate possible solutions ("What else could you do?), and to think them through ("What do you think would happen if you did that?")

Give your child choices. Even a small amount of choice encourages your child's sense of autonomy. You might give your child the choice between riding his bike with you or with a friend, if you don't want him to ride alone. Or between practicing piano in the morning before school, or after school. As my own children have gotten older, I've found that phrases like "Have you considered....?" or "Do you think you might want to ...?" also work well.

Use the language of autonomy. Words like ‘have to,' ‘must,' ‘don't,' and ‘I want you to,' have a chilling effect on kids' feelings of autonomy. Instead, try giving information. For example, "Homework needs to be done before dinner," has a different feel from, "You better do your homework before dinner," or even, "You have to do your homework before dinner."

Whenever possible, explain your reasoning. Kids follow rules--and do chores--more easily when they understand the reasons for doing so. If your child is painting, you might say, "To keep the paint clean, the brush needs to be washed before switching colors. Or "If you go to every practice, you'll really improve your basketball skills."

By encouraging your child's feelings of autonomy, you'll help her excel while experiencing the great joys of taking part in her everyday life.

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