Helping a Loved One With An Alcohol or Drug Problem

All automatisms have one essential characteristic: they are permanent. They cannot be eliminated, but they can be made dormant. A silly example will make the point: DO NOT READ THIS. It’s funny, of course, because once you’ve looked at it, you’ve done what it says not to. For you, reading English is automatic, an automatism. In this sense, you have “lost control” over it–and permanently, too. Even after 50 years of never seeing written English, you’d still get the joke. Once you know what it says, you can obey it only by closing your eyes or looking away–in other words, by abstaining.  

An addiction is the same kind of thing–an automatic response to an intoxicating substance. And for the same reason, sustained recovery is based not on regaining “control” over using the substance, but on abstinence. Again, as it is said in AA: “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.”   

If you are convinced that the person you care about is addicted, then how can you be of help?  

First, consider a few questions. Some seem obvious, but often, in our anger, fear, disgust, and sadness, we forget to ask them:     

    1. Is the person fully aware of the problem? Do they understand that you think they are addicted? Do they understand how that has affected you? Do they see where it’s leading them?   

   2. Do they understand addiction as a disease–and not as a moral failure, a sin, a neurosis or lack of will power? Do they understand that recovery depends on abstinence? And not for moral reasons, but because of the nature of the disorder?

    3. Has the person asked for help? Do they think they can “do it” by themselves? And what do they mean by “doing it”, anyway? If they think they only have to quit, then they aren’t going to like the idea that they are going to have to learn to live differently in order not to begin again. Besides, if a person hasn’t asked for help, they aren’t going to accept it when offered.  

   4. Does the person know that there are solutions? That there is medical help for detox? That they can receive help with complicating psychiatric, medical and social problems? Do they know about AA and the other 12-step programs? Do they know that these programs are free, have been enormously helpful for thousands of people? That they are not religious, but spiritual?

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